animalstalkinginallcaps:

YOU HEAR YEASAYER’S GOT A NEW RECORD COMING OUT?

I GUESS I HEARD THAT SOMEWHERE, YEAH.

I MIGHT CHECK IT OUT.

I DON’T KNOW, MAN. I REALLY ONLY LIKED THEIR LIVE PERFORMANCES FOR A SPECIFIC TWELVE MINUTE SPAN BETWEEN THE RELEASE OF THEIR DEBUT RECORD AND THE FIRST TIME IT WAS REVIEWED BY AN OBSCURE WEBSITE.

I REALLY ONLY LIKED THE INDIVIDUAL MEMBERS’ ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BAND PERFORMANCES.

IF WE’RE BEING HONEST I ONLY LIKED THEM WHEN THEY WERE, RESPECTIVELY, IN UTERO.

I DON’T EVEN LIKE THEIR MUSIC. I ONLY PRETEND TO SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT WITH THE BARISTAS THAT SERVE ME MY MORNING MACCHIATO.

I DISLIKED YEASAYER BEFORE THEY WERE BORN.

I FUCKING HATE THAT BAND.

I ONLY LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF RUST FORMING ON THE UNDERCARRIAGES OF NORWEGIAN LUXURY SEDANS.

I HAVE A VINTAGE RECORDABLE 90 MINUTE MAXELL CASSETTE TAPE THAT’S  JUST THE SOUND OF A VACUUM CLEANER LEFT ON IN AN EMPTY APARTMENT. IT’S MY FAVORITE RECORD.

THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

IT ISN’T NOW THAT YOU SAID THAT.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

THE PULSE, THE HUM AND SWELL, THE SONG BENEATH THE SKIN, IT CALLS TO ME! 

OW, FUCK! RANDY, WHAT THE HELL?

“DRINK!” IT CRIES, “DRINK OF ME AND LIVE FOREVER!”

GET OFF ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU LARPING?

animalstalkinginallcaps:

I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FOLLOWING THE GARMIN. IT SHOULD BE RIGHT HERE.

WERE YOU FOLLOWING YOUR EYES? BECAUSE THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. WHY DID WE EVEN GET OUT OF THE CAR?

I SPENT LIKE, $200 ON THAT THING.

SERIOUSLY, WHY DID WE GET OUT OF THE CAR?

Needed that this morning

Really? Just…..really?

animalstalkinginallcaps:

IF THIS ZIT DOESN’T GO AWAY BY FRIDAY I’M HONESTLY GOING TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

OH, PLEASE. YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT ME SO HARD YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE STARING.

DON’T FIGHT IT, GIRL. I TURN HEADS LIKE A TAPE DECK.

animalstalkinginallcaps:

HELLO, AND WELCOME. IT’S GOOD TO SEE SO MANY SMILING FACES IN THE PEWS TODAY. NOW, IT’S IMPORTANT THAT WE GET BACK TO GOOD OLD FASHIONED CHRISTIAN VALUES IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I THINK THE BEST WAY WE CAN DO THAT IS TO FOCUS ON THE PARTS OF THE BIBLE THAT OCCUR BEFORE CHRIST. THAT’S WHY WE’RE CHRISTIANS. BECAUSE CHRIST ISN’T IMPORTANT. WE NEED TO FOCUS ON THE PRIMITIVE, SUPERSTITIOUS, DEPLORABLE PARTS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT THAT ALLOW US TO BE AS FAR REMOVED FROM THE NAMESAKE OF OUR CHOSEN RELIGION AS POSSIBLE SO THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO DO THINGS LIKE EXPLAIN GAY PEOPLE OR ECONOMIC DISPARITY TO OUR KIDS WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY SHITTING ON THE POOR AND REDUCING WOMEN AND BLACKS TO THE LEVEL OF PROPERTY, STRIPPED OF THEIR HARD-WON RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS.

WHAT WE ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE THE TEACHINGS AND WISDOM OF THE NEW TESTAMENT, WHICH IS THE BOOK OUR RELIGION DRAWS ITS NAME FROM. THAT WOULD JUST BE SILLY, AND WE’D HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO … EVERYONE, BASICALLY, FOR BEING ENORMOUS, UNREPENTANT ASSHOLES WHO PLACE PERSONAL PROFIT AND COMFORT OVER THE RIGHTS AND NEEDS OF THE MANY.

I CAN SEE A LOT OF YOU HERE TODAY ARE GOING TO START ASKING THE SAME KIND OF QUESTIONS THAT GOT JESUS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, AND I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU: WHAT ARE YOU, SOCIALISTS? STOP ROCKING THE BOAT. IF YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON. AMEN.

I love this garage :)

animalstalkinginallcaps:

DO YOU SEE, RICHARDS? THANKS TO YOUR INTERFERENCE THE PORTAL GROWS LARGER. IF WE DO NOT REVERSE THE DAMAGE THIS ENTIRE FACILITY WILL SOON BE GROUND ZERO FOR THE DISSOLUTION OF REALITY AS WE HAVE KNOWN IT. WHAT HORRORS MAY EMERGE? WHAT CHAOS MAY YOU HAVE WROUGHT?

WE KNEW THIS TO BE A POSSIBILITY, DOCTOR MESSING. WHY DO YOU SHRINK FROM DISCOVERY? LET US VIEW THIS MOMENT AS AN OPPORTUNITY.

RELATAVISTIC TIME DILATION IS NOT A PLAYTHING, RICHARDS, FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT! 

SPEAKING OF, HAVE YOU SEEN MY LITTLE GREEN BALL WITH THE BELL INSIDE IT?

YES, IT’S UNDER THE COUCH AGAIN.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.